Women's psychology

Women's psychology

.. What you should know before you start judging her

1. Are We So Different?

Many disgruntled men would say we are better than women. We would never do what our partner has done to us. Yet remember, a relationship has two sides. The other side (your partner), focussing on a different matter, will think the same. What you've done/said to her may be equally painful from her perspective, even if you are not aware of it. 'Good' and 'bad' in a relationship are very relative terms. We are neither better nor worse than women. We are different.

It's not just men vs. women. People are different regardless of their sex. We differ in:

• the way we behave in public and to other people
• the way we treat our loved ones
• our habits, hobbies, and lifestyle

Partners should expect such differences as a normal thing.

In this page we are concerned with differences that work against harmony in our relationships. They manifest in our thinking, expectations, and behaviour. For example, you may think it's ok to burp and you may even try and do it. But your partner may not be expecting such behaviour. Or, your partner might find it normal to sleep with her dog, contrary to your expectations. Not every man burps and not every woman has a dog. There are differences though that divide the two sexes more reliably. These differences stem from the roles of a man and a woman in nature and society. They will be discussed in sections 4 (Child In Her), 6 (Never-ending Complaints), and 7 (Fear And Trust).

I want to end this section on an optimistic note. My grandfather used to say: "A thousand people - thousand characters". Women are not all the same as men are not all the same. I had many female class- and workmates that were closer to my way of thinking than many men. You MAY find a like-minded woman and if you both understand your differences, you will live in harmony.

2. Equality

Equality in everything? Does anyone really want that? Let's forget the equality of men and women for a moment. If you had two men in your company, one strong and fit and the other weak yet clever, who would you put in the office and who would be sent to do manual work? ... In actual fact, those men would choose their respective roles themselves. Their inclinations and their roles would be based on their physical and psychological disposition. The absolute equality between people is nonsense.

Some women call for equality. They want equal rights with men under law. (This is no longer an issue in the developed world). They want equal 'rights' in the household. They think men have better lives. Some men have better lives than their partners. Some men have worse lives than their partners. But how would one measure the quality of life anyhow? Is it only about work vs. rest that one enjoys at home? Is it about rights in decision making? Or is it about emotional wellbeing? If it's all of these, let us offer the following deal to a woman who longs for equality:

Be a man. You will work hard to make enough money to satisfy the increasing needs of your family. (The years of work and saving for the current family won't count, if they happened before). As neither you nor your spouse want to live in a shed, you will work at home, building or refurbishing your house. It is physically and mentally more demanding than cooking, ironing, and vacuuming - not disputing the fact that both kinds of work are needed. (I know what I am talking about, I am doing both). Then, imagine you'll have a spouse you love. She will nag and complain every day. Nothing that you will have done for her will be appreciated. The sword of Damocles will hang over your head that she will ask for a divorce when she doesn't like this or that. Your children will have a special bond with your spouse, not with you. Why? Because she is their mum. ... Do you want to be a man?

I am for fairness, not for equality. I give, I receive. I get, I give. Partners are helping each other not only because they love each other but because the family becomes more efficient. It's easier for both partners to have their tasks and roles divided than doing everything equally.

3. It's All About Laziness

I recall the following joke from a TV talk show:

Two ladies meet on the street.
A: "Hi. I haven't seen you for ages! ... How is your daughter doing?"
B: "She's married and she is really happy. Her husband is an angel. He has a good job and he also does all the work in and around the house. In addition, he does the shopping, he cooks, irons, cleans up, and takes care of their kids. My daughter can enjoy her films and books!"
A: "Oh, that's lovely! And how is your son?"
B: "Poor boy. He's married too. But his wife is a monster. She loads all the burden of housework on his shoulders!"
If both partners do whatever is necessary and neither feels exploited, they are on their way towards a successful and lasting relationship. Do not underestimate this aspect of family life! One partner diligent and the other ..... well, let's not say lazy but one who is not used to work at home, is a very explosive combination. For example, if you are from the country, you'd better avoid a girl who grew up in an urban apartment. If you think you would get used to her lifestyle, believe me the problem is somewhere else. She wouldn't get used to yours!

Being a man myself, I have to say, in a sense, men are lazy. That is why we invent machines. We want to make our lives easier so we are turning the world of nature into the world of science and technology. The artificial, man-made, environment we live in is making our lives much easier. The process of working towards an easy life is called progress. The tendency to be economical with one's bodily resources is natural and I have nothing against it. However, when a man is largely inactive in his family, it's unfair and it has to be condemned.

4. Child In Her

One of the reasons men don't understand women is - as the title suggests - there is a child in some women. I don't want to sound derogatory but this way of describing an important aspect of feminine psychology seems to me the most instrumental. It will help us understand women and be better partners to them.

When I was a kid,

• I was much more egocentric than now. It was ME in the first place ... and then the rest of the world.
• I had my unrealistic childhood dreams,
• I didn't think of other people in terms of fairness and rationality but in terms of 'what will they do, if I do this or that?'. This was most notably true in regards to my relatives. When I was punished, I didn't admit my fault and my mind was overwhelmed by negative feelings towards the person who upset me.
• I felt more resentment against some people than I would do now.
• I was more emotional. Emotions didn't dissipate easily.
• I was less self-confident.
• I was more vulnerable. I am definitely more thick-skinned now.
• I was looking forward to nice things more intensely and longer than now.
• When I wanted something, I wanted it immediately.

Try and recall those days. You will understand how many women think and feel. It's not their fault, it's just the way they are.

5. Pretty = Bad?

I know, it's not true. ... There are women that are not so pretty yet are still bad. But let me explain one word here: 'pretty'. ALL women are pretty. The difference among them is that some of them believe they are pretty, some of them don't. OK, enough of words.

There is a general view that attractive girls are spoilt. Their self-esteem is being fostered from early childhood. They hear: "Oh, you are such a nice girl!", "Your boyfriend will have to deserve you", "Guys will fight for you!". At school, boys pay more attention to her than to her classmates. It goes with her most of her life. Boys and men are nice to her because they want to win her heart. But there is another factor. Her upbringing. It is my theory and it can be wrong. Here it is: Her mum was attractive as well -> her husband had a subordinate role in the family (partners of attractive women tend to be more obedient) -> the girl had a very nice dad -> she got spoilt. Such a girl will expect some obedience from you too.

The bottom line is that attractive girls expect more, are proud of their looks, are less reliable ("I can choose anyone if things go wrong"), and are the source of problems because they attract men.

6. Never-ending Complaints

Is there a more infamous feminine trait than complaining? I don't think there is. Some women believe they can achieve what they want by talking. So they give a hint. Then they suggest, they ask. Then they ask again. If that doesn't work, it's not the end of the story. In contrast to men, they continue and they pull out their strongest weapon: complaining. They call it 'discussion' (even if it's not a real discussion), 'solving problems' (even if there is no solving and often no real problem), or 'sharing of opinions' (why, if our opinion can be summarised in one sentence that has already been said?).

The purpose of complaining is to make you feel bad. It is a form of punishment. It serves several functions:

• It is a revenge. Remember, there is a child in her and when she doesn't get what she wants, she will be upset for quite a while.
• If the complaint is repeated over and over again, it may work in the end. You will give up.
• It can be used interactively. She will see your reaction and change her tactics, use different weapons (see section 7. Fear And Trust)
• Her own affirmation. She uses it to organise and strengthen her thoughts and feelings. Very often it only strengthens her original idea but also affirms her she was right and you were wrong.

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7. Fear And Trust

In general, women are nicer than men. Women are not spontaneously malicious. Women are not aggressive. When it comes to approaching a fellow human being, women are better than men. If there is no reason for fear or suspicion, they approach people with warmth, kindness, empathy, and compassion. That is why I would rather work with women than with men, if I was given a choice. However, a partnership is a completely different neck of the woods.

For reasons that I don't fully understand, some single women (unlike single men) think a wedding is the gateway to paradise. When they are confronted with the reality of everyday family life, they find themselves taken by surprise. When they dislike something on us, an innate mechanism of trying to change the unfavourable state of affairs by talking is triggered. When it starts, there is little you can do as you are not the one who controls the 'discussion'. She sets the rules, she becomes the judge and you are accused. (It can never be the other way round as she would say: "If you don't like me, I can go." and you would never see your loved one again!)

Why do women react the way they react? There are several factors that determine how some women will behave:

• their expectations (unrealistic, positive)
• vulnerability
• their worries stemming from ignorance and suspicion
• unpreparedness
• lack of knowledge or skills of effectively coping with adverse situations
• making wrong conclusions by using instinct, guessing, and emotion rather than arguments and reason
• tendency to slip in a dramatic role
• holding extreme views
• making inadequate decisions

You can do very little about that. Some women are more rational than other, so you may have some success in using your arguments. But do it wisely! Another factor that may play in your favour is time because she is getting used to and she is learning the realities of life.

Fear

There is fear and worries on both sides. After all, you love each other and last thing you want is to have problems or break up. Women seem to have more worries than men.

Fear is used by some women as a tool to manipulate their partners. It is used in combination with love. When you are in love with your girlfriend, she is very nice to you. I repeat: VERY NICE. She does all she can to make you fall deeply in love with her. You enjoy every moment with her ... Until she raises a complaint. Why? You might have forgotten to smile at her when you were supposed to, or you might even have done no 'mistake' at all (she just made a wrong guess), and you face a complaint. If it is for the first time, you typically start defending yourself. All you want to do is to say you've done nothing wrong and that you still love her. You want her to be so nice to you as before. All she wants to do is to:

• assure herself she is right and you are wrong
• punish you
• learn how you react when you get punished and whether you are susceptible to emotional blackmail
• test your loyalty towards her (when there is her on one side and truth on the other)
• teach you how to (or not to) behave
• give you an example of what you can expect when you do it again
• teach you her vocabulary (e.g. Female-to-English Dictionary)
• sow the seed of worry in your head

Men are often perplexed by what they call 'female logic'. It usually occurrs at times of complaining. A typical example is when a woman is upset for some particular reason but is reluctant to admit that. As she needs to vent her frustration or anger, she complains about something else. (There is always something to complain about :-) ).

After some time of living together, a well 'conditioned' man does what his spouse wants, doesn't argue, agrees with her all the time, and never defends himself! ... Oh OK, now I see why some women think a wedding is the gateway to paradise! :-)

Back to the fear issue though. The fact that 75% of divorces are initiated by women might suggest they have less to lose than men. Another fact that speaks for this interpretation is that women are more likely to use breakup as a threat. If they were really afraid of losing you, they wouldn't use it. Just think of yourself: Would you use it, if you really loved her?
However, there is another interpretation. In a relationship, women experience more negative emotions than men. Getting rid of those painful emotions is a much stronger asset than losing the positive emotions that come from love. Sadly, the negative emotions have their very roots in woman’s mind and do not necessarily reflect the real situation.

Fear can be used not only as a prevention of 'bad' behaviour but also to trigger desired behaviours such as expressions of loyalty and love. Translated into words: “Do nice things to me, always agree with me, please me, love me, ... or else ...!” If you obey, while doing so, you are not expressing your spontaneous and genuine behaviour, reflecting your feelings towards her. You do it because you are afraid of her. Your partner is aware of that. She gets what she wants but on top of that she gets something else, something that she didn't want (see the next paragraph about Trust). We see many such pacified husbands around. Unfortunately, men and women who watch them believe their behaviour is a norm. They believe it reflects what those men think, what they want to do. A female observer may think: “That guy is so nice to her partner!” That is one reason why so many women believe other men are better than the one they have.

Trust

Why don't some women trust their partners? One reason is they project their own way of thinking into their partners' minds. In the context of fear, the reason is different. Women who use threats as their tool have conscious or unconscious understanding that a worried person will lie. This is the beginning of a vicious circle. A woman is suspicious, it triggers her aggressive verbal behaviour, this serves as punishment to her man, he becomes more fearful and apologetic, but that only triggers more suspicion in her. Both partners are losers. The woman who cannot trust her partner and the man who is not trusted.

8. So You've Broken Up

Have you broken up? It hurts because you've loved her. Don't start thinking all women are bad. They are not. Is your mother bad? I know, it is a different story but it tells you women are not bad. I want to assure you there are more good than bad women.

As noted in the previous section, by their nature, in relationships women suffer more than men. You don't have to do much and they will suffer. Often, they feel humiliated by investing emotions in the relationship. When they break up, they feel as if their dignity returned, they feel proud again. They become liberated from all the frustrations and worries which they had while living with you. However, very soon after that they find themselves in (maybe) even bigger pain than before the breakup because they lost you. To recover, they have to eliminate the love in their heart (by the way, men do the same!). Rational arguments wouldn't beat love because they are emotionally neutral. What they need is hatred. Guess who is to be hated? She will only feel free when she learns to hate you. The roots of love are still in her heart but you are now being associated with her hatred. Remember, it is woman’s emotions what drives her actions. If she has a plan of how to think or act, she has to modify her emotions first. In the case of her plan to distance from you, she has to start hating you first.

I don't recommend you return to her. If she is that kind of person that solves problems by breaking up, she will do it again. You'd better suffer for a while (time is the best healer), organise your thoughts, and then try your luck somewhere else. You are not the only one. Fifty percent of marriages end up in divorce (not counting the breakups of unmarried couples).

9. The Miss Right

Chances that you find a woman of your dreams are zero. I don't say virtually zero. I say ZERO. So, don't be like some women who believe there is their Prince Charming somewhere and look for him most of their lives. Most of us are realistic. When it comes to your expectations of your future partner, pessimism is better than optimism. If nothing, it can only be a nice surprise!

What I find to be the most important factor that determines your compatibility with your partner is your respective upbringing. So, the first thing you should do is asking her about her family. What molded her is more important than what she thinks she is.
This is where you should match (apart from other, more obvious, factors):

• parental dominance (If you had a dominant father and she had a dominant mother, your marriage will not work well)
• roles (Do you insist on the division of roles?)
• lifestyle
• animals (Do you both want them? Will they be allowed in the house?)
• saving vs. spending money (I understand that men are more likely to save, however be wary of extreme differences)

From this it follows there is a right woman for you. Good luck!

10. Partnership Rules

Partnership is a form of society. As in every society, we have to follow some rules. Yes, we are free to do whatever we want, but as in any society, if we follow the rules, we are good, if we ignore them, we are bad. So, what should or should not we do to our partner?

• First of all, I want to remind you of the universal rule that almost every moral system has: Don’t do to other people what you would not like them doing to you!
• Think twice before your react. Be patient, Take things easy.
• Don't give up on your right to think and do what you want. Take your partner's advice seriously and decide yourself. Doing what your partner wants is not proof of love. If he/she equates love with obedience, he/she is wrong.
• Never ever use force or threats, never blackmail your partner!
• Don't misuse emotions. E.g., don't test your partner's love by instigated jealousy or worry about your health.
• Nothing of what we do for our partner should be done from fear of repercussions of not doing so. On the other hand, we should be doing something :-).
• Chinese wisdom: In a relationship, what is to be done is decided by the one who can't or doesn't want to do it.
• None of two arguing parties can be said to be right, if there is no other (independent) way of finding the truth. The argument is pointless.
• Doing bad things or not doing good things are two behaviours people don’t like on their partners. The two are not equal in valence though. It is incomparably worse to do bad than not doing good. It is wrong to treat them as equal. If I use an exaggerated example: Is killing the same as not helping?
• Have you done something bad to your partner? Then you should feel guilty and apologise. If it is your partner who apologises, be ready to forgive. Do not demand apologies.
• Don't apologise to your partner for something you didn't do.
• Be grateful for what you should not take for granted.
• Don't slip into thinking "Other husbands/wives are better or other relationships are better."
• Don't treat your partner as a possession, tool, decoration, pet, emotional buffer, or servant.
• Remember, a shirt is closer than coat. Don't expect your partner to give up on this principle. However, it needs to be said, that for the sake of survival of the species, females protect their children, and males protect their children and partners.
• Be aware that a relationship undergoes changes in time.
• There will always be something that you don’t like on your partner. Don't expect total agreement between you and your partner. Count with that.
• Once again, take it easy!

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